Dave Karofsky, Poet Extraordinaire
by Gleek90
Summary: Follow-up to Gone, Though not Forgotten.  Dave wrote a poem to Kurt.  This is what happens when someone discovers it. Updated summary.
1. Chapter 1: The Brooding Kind

**A/N:** In response to a few very kind readers who thought my poem was worthy of a continuing story, here is the follow-up to Gone, Though Not Forgotten, and there may yet be a third installment involving Kurt's reaction to the poem (should Dave ever get around to sending it to him!) if this is well received.

**A/N 2: **Thank you to **dorydafish, the voice of singing clouds**, and **Larkin21** for suggesting I write more on this. Larkin21: special thanks for suggesting I actually write about Dave working up the courage to send the poem to Kurt, rather than just assume he did. It makes much more sense for Dave to agonize over it for a while.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of its characters, which is probably a good thing- if you think they are messed up now, wait 'till I get done with them! Enough babbling, on with the show!**

**Chapter 1: The Brooding Kind**

Three weeks ago I, Dave Karofsky, came completely unhinged. I kissed another dude. I didn't want to, but at the same time I wanted to more than anything I've ever wanted before. He came at me in a whirl of anger and would not back down, and that is when it happened. I seriously thought I was going to punch his face off, but no. I grabbed him and planted a kiss on his angry, frightening, horrible, beautiful lips. His stunned expression made it very clear that he wanted none of it, but he could not possibly know the depth of my hunger (and repulsion) for him. His name is Kurt Hummel, also known to me as "Homo" and "Lady Boy". I slipped and called him Kurt once, but only once! It made him seem more real and attainable immediately after I said it, so I didn't made that mistake again.

After I kissed "Lady Boy", I was more confused and angry than ever. I started to really give him a hard time. I had already been shoving him into lockers and throwing slushies in his face, so I stepped it up into overdrive. I was so terrified that he would tell everyone what happened that I completely hit rock bottom, even for me, and threatened to kill him if he did. The look on his face was practically my undoing, and knowing I put it there was almost too much to bear. The funny thing is, after I said it, I knew with absolute certainty that I could never lay a hand on him. I could not, however, under any circumstances, let him know that. So, the terror continued, I scared him good! I touched him and stole from him, and made sure he knew I meant business. Apparently I went a bit too far, though, and that is where this story really begins.

XXX

I have never been much of a writer. I did what I needed to do to get decent grades in school, but not much beyond that. Lately I haven't even been able to keep that up. I have some time on my hands though, as I have been expelled for threatening Kurt Hummel's life. My parents are in the process of appealing to the school board, but in the meantime I have a lot of things to sort out in my head. It seems that writing them down helps. That kiss sent me right into a tailspin. As much as I wanted it, I knew it was wrong and that taking it made me a freak, just like Hummel. I am nothing like that homo! Well, maybe somewhere in the deepest part of myself I am, but how can I ever admit that to anyone when I can't even admit it to myself?

It turns out I am allowed to return to school. The school board overturned my expulsion, based on lack of physical evidence or eye witness accounts of my treatment of Hummel. My first day back I find out he is gone, transferred to another school. At first I think that will make everything okay again and that I will return to normal, but no. I feel worse than ever. I miss him, dammit! I hate him, I want him to disappear forever, and I MISS HIM! I can't stop thinking about him and it is driving me crazy!

XXX

So maybe I'm not such a bad writer. I couldn't take how I was feeling anymore, so I wrote a poem to Kurt (I have been using his real name in my head for a little while now, I can't seem to stop myself). That's right, a poem (maybe I really am gay!). I don't think I could ever send it to him, even if I knew where he was. It would be too humiliating, even though it really captures exactly what I have been feeling. I am still totally confused and angry, and I also feel relieved and terrible and empty now that Kurt is gone. My parents can tell I am messed up, but because I won't talk to them they made me start seeing a shrink so I can deal with some of my "issues", and she suggested I write my feelings out, which I've already been doing anyway, so whatever. Sometimes I feel like sending the poem to him, just so he'll know. That would take so much courage, though, and I am nothing but a coward, so I keep the poem hidden in a drawer in my room, under a bunch of junk. I take it out and read it every day.

**A/N 3:** Is this way too rambling and off base? I didn't really want to do a straight up sequel, more of deeper look into how the poem Dave wrote came to be, and his journey toward actually sending it to Kurt. If you think it's okay I'll write more, but I am going to wait for some feedback first. I have some ideas about where I'd like to go with this, this chapter is more for background purposes and just re-hashes what has already happened. The rest will be forward moving and new.


	2. Chapter 2: Wait a Minute Mr Postman!

**A/N**: I know I said I was going to await feedback before posting more, but I decided I need to continue anyway. Dave is making a lot of noise in my head. If anyone wants to read the poem Dave wrote in its entirety check out my one-shot "Gone, Though Not Forgotten". From here on out things are going to be purely fanon. I want Dave to behave a certain way and if canon Dave isn't going to (we shall see) then fanon Dave most certainly is.

**Chapter 2: Wait a minute, Mr. Postman!**

"_David? David, are you in there?"_ I hear my mom calling me, but I just want to be left alone. I know, though, that if I don't answer her she'll never go away. _"Yeah, mom, I'm in here. What do you need?"_ _"I'm going to run to the post office in a few minutes. Is there anything you want me to mail for you?" _Suddenly I feel like a deer caught in headlights. My mom never asks me that, so why would she now? Of course there is something I want to mail, but wanting to and actually doing it are two entirely different things. _"No mom. I never mail stuff, why are you asking me that?" _ _"Well David, I thought I saw you putting a letter in an envelope the other day when I came in to put away your laundry. I thought maybe you wanted to mail it."_ Oh crap! I thought I got that put away before she saw it! Now I am really starting to sweat. I need to come up with an answer, fast. _"Oh that. Ummm, that was just something for school. It's not ready to be mailed yet." _Oh please, please don't let her ask me what it is…. _"What is it you're working on?"_ Dammit, I never catch a break! Now what? _"It's just a letter to a pen pal."_ A freaking pen pal? What am I, seven? _"I have to have it proof read by the teacher_ _before I can send it because of my recent, uh, issues."_ This is getting worse by the minute. _"Oh. Okay then. I'll be back in about a half an hour." _I can't believe she actually bought that, but I am really relieved she did. Sometimes she can be so easy to fool!

Now that I have a little bit of time to myself I can take out the poem I wrote and read it again. No matter how many times I read it, it is always exactly right. I am surprised (and somewhat impressed with myself, if I do say so) by how well it says what I feel. I think if Kurt ever read it he might totally freak out, but there is still a part of me that wants him to (there is a much bigger part of me that still can't let him). I would never admit this to anyone, but I have actually been sneaking around at school trying to catch little bits of information about Kurt from his former Glee club pals. Mostly I am trying to find out where he went. I am not actually supposed to know, that is part of the deal with me being allowed to return to school. It is really maddening how tight-lipped those loud mouth Glee club freaks can be. For people who never shut up they just won't give away anything!

XXX

I see my shrink once a week. We talk about how things are going at school and at home, and she tries to get me to talk about Kurt and why I was so awful to him. I told her it was because I couldn't stand little lady boy homos, but it didn't even sound true to my ears. She is not as easy to fool as my mom is. My shrink doesn't push me to talk about it; I guess she figures I will when I am ready. That will probably be never. As far as home and school go, my grades are coming back up and I haven't been acting so angry, so she believes it is true when I tell her things are better. Most of it is an act to get people off my back. I go to school and football practice, I do my homework and I don't talk back to my parents. They think this is a sign of great improvement, but what they don't get at all is that it is really just me going through the motions, feeling dead inside. Or so I think.

XXX

Friday was a particularly long day at school. The football team was really slacking, and coach made us run a ton of extra laps. By the time I got home all I wanted to do was eat dinner and collapse into bed. I decided to read my poem before I went to sleep, I really needed it. I needed to feel a connection to Kurt. I guess I was really tired, because when I woke up Saturday morning the poem was lying open on top of my chest, my fingers still gently curled around it. I panicked for a minute, and then saw that my door was closed, just the way I always keep it, so I put the poem back in the envelope and into the drawer by my bed, underneath all the junk in there.

I went to the kitchen to eat breakfast with my dad, a Saturday morning ritual we have had for as long as I can remember. This particular Saturday, though, my dad was looking at me kind of strangely. He had a confused/worried sort of look on his face. Sitting down to eat, I tried to brush it off as nothing, but the way he was just sitting there looking at me was starting to creep me out. _"Dad, Is everything okay?" _He looked at me a little longer. _"I don't know David. _Is_ everything okay?" _ Uh oh, I can't think of anything I did wrong, so I just stay quiet. _"I popped my head into your room last night to ask you a question, but you were already asleep." _Oh my gosh. NO NO NO! He saw it! He saw the poem. How could I be so careless and stupid? He must have read it, or he wouldn't be looking at me like that. Maybe he'll think someone wrote it to me. Crap, I signed it! I put D.K. at the bottom. Why did I do that? _"David?" _My tongue suddenly feels like it has grown three sizes too big for my mouth. _"I couldn't help noticing what you were holding. I've been worried about you, so I took a closer look. Is there something you need to tell me?" _I could not think of a single thing to say, so I just covered my face and started crying like a little kid.


	3. Chapter 3: Papa, Can You Hear Me?

**A/N: **Up to this point the story has been from Dave's POV. For this chapter, and probably the next, I have decided to switch things up and make it from his dad's POV. I don't know how many chapters this will end up being, I will simply keep writing until I feel the story is told.

**Chapter 3: Papa, Can You Hear Me?**

I'm Paul Karofsky, husband to a wonderful woman and father to David. I love my family and I would do anything for them. My son is clearly in pain and I don't know how to help him. Never in my life have I felt as helpless as I do right now. Not even when he was a tiny baby, completely dependent on his mom and me for everything and I felt unsure about what kind of a father I would be. When David was little and he was sad and hurting I could just wrap him up in my strong arms and he would know I was there and that everything was going to be okay. Things just aren't that simple anymore. You can't imagine how much I wish they were. I have watched my intelligent, hardworking, outgoing son become an angry, depressed, and hollowed out shell of his former self. It is truly terrifying to watch. We used to be able to talk about everything, but now I can't get him to say two words about what is bothering him. I am so scared. I am scared that if he doesn't open up soon he is going to do something very drastic, the likes of which I can't even bear to think about. When I look at David I still see that tiny boy, so trusting and happy. What did I do wrong to make him stop trusting me to help make the hurting go away?

XXX

"_David? Is there something you need to tell me?" _I watch my son's face crumple in anguish. I am sure he knows why I am asking, that I saw what he was holding so lovingly to him as he slept last night. I know I shouldn't have looked at it, but I am so worried about him, and it was right there in plain sight. I was just looking for some kind of clue to help me figure out what is causing my David to slip away. _"Please, son. Whatever it is, you can tell me." _He is crying so hard he can't speak, and it is scaring the hell out of me. I haven't seen a person cry like this since my wife lost her mother, and at least then I knew what was wrong. I say a silent prayer, _Dear God; please help me to know what to do. My boy needs help and I don't know why. _I move over and sit next to David and put a reassuring hand on his shaking shoulder as I ask him once more _"What's wrong son? What can I do to help you?" _I see that he is trying to speak, but all that escapes his lips is an agonizing wail of pain. I wrap my arms around him and he responds, holding on for dear life. I let him cry for a few more minutes, and when he seems to have gotten some control over himself I release him and wait for him to be ready to talk.

XXX

"_I can't tell you, dad. I just can't say it." _I am not surprised to hear this; I expected David would say as much. I need to find a way to get him to open up to me. His mother has gone out to meet some friends for her regular Saturday "girl's day out", so he and I have the house to ourselves. I cannot let this opportunity pass. _"David. I love you son. You know you can tell me absolutely anything, and it won't change how I feel". _He tries to look me in the eye and fails. _"I think this just might do it, dad." _I ask him a question that I know may cause him to close off again, but I have to try. _"David, is this about that poem I saw you holding last night?" _ The look that crosses his face is sheer terror, but he does not turn away from me. He nods his head so slightly I almost miss it. _"Did you write it, son?" _Again he nods. I am terrified of my next question, because I think I already know the answer. _"Does this have something to do with the Hummel boy?" _The shattered look on David's face tells me everything. He gets up and staggers his way to his room, and I let him go because I have absolutely no idea what to say to him. It all begins to make sense to me. David's treatment of Kurt Hummel, the anger, the low grades, the depression. I knew something was terribly wrong when David was expelled for threatening Kurt's life, but until I read that poem I had no idea of the depth of my son's agony.

An hour passes, and I know my wife will be coming home soon. This will be easier if David talks to me alone first. I go to David's room and knock on the door. I hear a barely audible response, _"come in, dad." _I sit next to my son on the bed and wait for him to speak. I have a feeling that whatever he is about to say is going to change all of our lives in a very permanent way. _"Dad?" _I reach over and put my hand on his shoulder, _"What is it, son?" _David looks down at the floor as he begins to speak. _"That poem? I was feeling so awful when I wrote it, and I still do. You already guessed who it's about, but I just don't know if I can tell you _what_ it's about." _I know this is a crucial moment, and saying the wrong thing could have disastrous results. _"David, I am going to take a guess that you have some very confusing feelings toward this boy, and something happened between the two of you that really scared you. Am I right?" _A quick nod from David is all the confirmation I need. _"Okay son, I think you've had enough for now. Why don't you take a walk and clear your head. I've got some things to think over myself, and we'll talk again when you're ready, okay?" _David looks relieved and says _"Okay dad. Thanks dad, for not being angry with me." _All I can do is reassure him by telling him I love him and want to help him in any way I can. How I will do that I have absolutely no idea.

**A/N 2: **Though I had this story marked as complete I decided to make some serious changes to chapters 4 and 5. I have chosen to remove them until they are completed to my liking. I have gotten some wonderful feedback and suggestions from vcg73 and can't wait to incorporate them! There may even end up being more chapters, I won't know for sure until I get there.


	4. Chapter 4: A Call For Help

**A/N: **Wow, has this story taken on a life of its own! This is not what I had in mind when I started writing it, but I really love how the characters are springing to life beneath my fingertips. I was fighting tears while writing the last chapter, who knew Paul Karofsky was such a lovely guy? A great big thank you to vcg73 for some honest critiquing and great suggestions. The revised phone call, the upcoming confrontation, a better handle on Burt's character, all due to vcg73, Thank you again!

**Chapter 4:**** A Call For Help**

_Paul_

David has gone out for a walk and I am here just trying to figure out what to think and say and do. All of the evidence points to the fact that my son is gay and is absolutely terrified to admit it. Why wouldn't he be? All of his life he's been taught that a boy grows up, settles down with a good woman, has kids, and works hard to support his family. When does anyone ever say that he'll grow up and settle down with another man? I know his mother and I never did. I do not consider myself homophobic, but I will admit that I am reeling from finding out that my son is in all likelihood a homosexual.

I never saw this coming. I have always assumed that homosexuals were very easy to identify. Take the Hummel boy, for example. Don't get me wrong, he's a good kid, but it has always been pretty clear which team he plays for. David, on the other hand, is the epitome of masculinity. It looks like I need to broaden my thinking by leaps and bounds! One thing is for certain, I love my son unconditionally, forever, and nothing can change that. My heart is breaking for him; he must feel utterly lost and terribly frightened by his feelings. I know I do.

All I really know for sure right now is that I cannot handle this on my own. I need to talk to someone who understands even a little of what Dave is dealing with, what I am dealing with. There is only one person I can think of, but talking to him could be incredibly awkward, since his son is the object of my son's affection and subsequent torment. I fear I may have no other choice.

XXX

David has returned, but is completely exhausted, so I tell him to go get some sleep. I have decided to try to talk to Burt, and no matter how awkward it may seem I really can't think of any other options. The phone is answered on the third ring.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this the Hummel residence?"

"Yeah, this is Burt. What can I do for you?"

It's too late to turn back, so I press forward.

"Hello Burt. This is Paul Karofsky, David's father. Have you got a few minutes? There is something extremely important I need to speak with you about."There is silence on the other end of the line, and then

"No. No I don't have a few minutes. I don't have anything to say to you."

"Please, just a few minutes of your time."

"I don't want you calling here again."

There is a loud click as the call is disconnected. I expected as much. Burt has every right to hang up on me, after everything David did to Kurt, but I love my son too much to give up so easily, and I know I have to try again.

XXX

_Burt/Carole_

Burt slams down the phone and Carole is looking at him like he's completely lost his mind. She keeps staring, and Burt starts yelling.

"HOW CAN THAT MAN HAVE THE NERVE TO CALL THIS HOUSE?"

"What man, Burt?" asks Carole.

"PAUL KAROFSKY, THAT'S WHAT MAN! AFTER HIS KID THREATENS TO KILL KURT AND IS ALLOWED BACK TO SCHOOL? AFTER THE LITTLE PRICK SCARES MY SON SO BAD WE HAVE TO MOVE HIM TO A NEW SCHOOL TO KEEP HIM SAFE? DOES IT EVER END?"

"Burt, your heart. Please stop yelling. Let's talk about this."

"Yeah. Yeah, okay. I'm sorry."

"What did he want?"

"Said he needs to talk about something really important."

"Did he say what it was?"

"No. I didn't give him a chance."

"Okay. Why not?"

"WHY NOT? YOU KNOW WHY NOT!"

"Burt!"

"Alright! I'm sorry. It just makes me angry."

"I understand that, but Paul seemed like a pretty reasonable man when we met him at the school. He believed Kurt. His son is the one who hurt Kurt, not Paul."

"Geez, Carole, I know that. Just hearing his voice though, it makes me see his kid in the hall that day, making fun of Kurt. I wanted to put my fist through his face!"

"I don't think he would call you unless it was really important. Maybe you should have listened to what he had to say."

"How can I do that Carole? How can I do that to Kurt?"

"Maybe what Paul has to say is something that could help Kurt."

"Help him? How could it help him?"

"I don't know Burt, maybe it won't, but…"

"That's right, Carole, maybe it won't. I don't want any of this anywhere near Kurt. He's in a safe place and I want him to put all this stuff behind him."

"Alright Burt, but it might help us, too. There are so many unanswered questions. What if Paul has some of those answers? Wouldn't you like to hear them?"

"Maybe. I have to think about that."

**A/N 2: **Sorry this chapter is a bit on the short side, it just felt like a good spot to end it. I know not a lot happened, but I felt it was a good way to set the stage for the upcoming confrontation in chapter 5. It may be a bit before I get that posted; I want it to be right so I am going to take my time with it. I hope this chapter isn't a disappointment. I'd love a review if you feel so inclined.


	5. Chapter 5: Whatever It Takes

**Disclaimer: As always, I do not own Glee or any of its characters.**

**A/N: This chapter has me holding my breath. I really want it to be just right. Burt and Paul are both great people and amazing dads, it just wouldn't be right to sell them short, a mistake I made the first time around (this is a revision, for any new readers) and have no intention of making again! Paul's POV.**

**Chapter 5: Whatever It Takes**

After my very brief and ill-received phone call with Burt Hummel I feel as if the entire weight of the world rests upon my shoulders. I know I took a big risk calling, but I said I would do anything for David, and I meant it. This is why I have to try talking to Burt again. If I can convince him to hear me out I think he can help me. I know that he must have a lot of unanswered questions as well; perhaps if we talk some of those questions can be answered.

As I drive to the Hummel residence I go over and over again in my mind exactly what I want to say. Nothing sounds quite right, but I keep trying because I know what is at stake. I know it is probably not a great idea to show up there in person, but since the phone approach failed so terribly I can think of no other way. After ringing the door bell I wait a few seconds and hear footsteps approaching. I am usually not the kind of man who gets nervous, but I find myself sweating and my heart is racing.

I breathe a small sigh of relief when Carole Hummel opens the door. She recognizes me at once and greets me with a small smile. "Hello Paul. I thought I might be seeing you soon." I am a bit taken-aback.

"You did?"

"Yes. I can't imagine you would call Burt unless it was extremely important, so I thought you might try to see him."

"Is he home?"

"No, I'm afraid not. The tire store is closed for the day, so he went over there to spend some time alone and think about things."

"Do you think it would be alright if I stopped by there?"

"Burt and I had a long talk before he left, I think he might be able to listen to what you have to say, but he is still pretty angry."

"I understand Mrs. Hummel, but I really would like to try. Thank you."

"You're welcome Paul. Please call me Carole."

"Thank you Carole."

XXX

I arrive at the Hummel's tire store and I can see a light on in the back of the store. Even though the sign says closed I try the door. It is locked, so I knock. No one appears, so I knock again, only much louder. I see Burt emerge from what must be an office at the back of the store. He doesn't really look surprised to see me, but he doesn't look happy about it either. When he speaks he leaves no room for small talk.

"My wife called me and said you were on your way. You have exactly five minutes to say what you came here to say."

"I came to talk to you about David. I know how you feel about him, but he's my son and he needs me and to me he's worth asking for your help a second time, a third time, a fourth, as many times as it takes."

"You're right about my feelings toward your son, but I can respect a father caring that much to try and help his kid. What is it you think I can do for you?"

"I found something last night. A letter, a poem of sorts, that David wrote. I asked him about it this morning and with a great deal of trouble he admitted it was about your son."

"Are you sure I want to hear this?"

"No, not at all, though I hope you will allow me to continue."

"Go ahead."

"The poem expresses a great deal of conflicting emotion that seems to stem from an incident involving both of our children. I have not yet learned what that incident is, but I believe it is at the center of David's recent behavior toward Kurt. He has admitted as much, but is unable to tell me what happened between them. I thought you might know; that maybe Kurt shared what happened with you."

"Sorry. He didn't. At this point I know as much as you do. I kind of thought Kurt wasn't telling me everything, but I know him and he will when he's ready."

"This is so difficult. Burt, I know that Kurt is openly gay. I believe David has feelings for him, and it is tearing him apart. Whatever happened has everything to do with that. I want him to know that I still love him, no matter what, and that he can talk to me. The trouble is I have no idea what to say to him. He is so terribly embarrassed by this, but I think he is also relieved to finally have it out in the open. If he knows he has my support I think we can get through this, but I just don't know how to talk to him about it."

"Whoa! You kinda threw me a curve ball there Paul. I totally didn't see that coming! I'll be asking Kurt about this, you know I have to. This makes what your son did to him even more disturbing. I need to find out what went on there."

"Of course, I expected as much. It is indeed very disturbing. Burt, there is one other thing I need to ask, and then I will leave and never bother you again. When Kurt came out and told you he was gay, what did you say to him? It is obvious after our meeting at the school that you are very protective and supportive of him."

"Well, Paul, I mostly told him that I was proud of him for being brave enough to tell me. I sort of always knew, but hearing it from him was still a bit of a shock. Until he said the words I could just kind of pretend that maybe it wasn't true. But when I found out it was true I knew I could be okay with it eventually. I told Kurt that I would work on making it okay, even though I wasn't thrilled with the idea. He's my son, and I love him no matter what. That is the most important thing for Dave to understand. As long as he knows you're there for him he'll eventually be okay."

"I know I came to the right man Burt. I'll never be able to thank you enough. David has a very difficult road ahead, he is going to have a very hard time coming to terms with who he is and how he feels."

"You know, Paul, there is no need to rush things. Dave doesn't have to tell anyone he isn't ready to tell. Remember, you were the one who found out, accidentally, Dave didn't come out and tell you. That's very different than how things went with Kurt. He knew who he was. I know he's my kid, but that doesn't mean I can't see that he acts queerer than a three dollar bill! Dave's a lot more low key, so it isn't exactly obvious, you know? There's a lot of anger and confusion there. Just let him be the one who decides when and where and how he comes out. He might not while he's still in high school, and it may even be a long time after that. He needs to accept who he is first, before he can admit it to anyone else."

"I know you are still angry about everything that David has done, Burt, and you have every right to be. What David did was terribly wrong, and he needs to make full restitution for it. I do hope, though, that this has answered some of the questions you must have had. Maybe now Kurt can fill in the rest. I intend to ask the same of David, when he's ready."

"I am glad I talked to you Paul. I am still angry, you're right about that. I'll do anything, ANYTHING to protect Kurt, and if I ever find out Dave is giving him a hard time again there's gonna be hell to pay, but I understand things a little better now, and I hope Dave gets the help he needs."

"He will Burt, I will personally see to that."

**A/N 2: Thanks again to vcg73 for giving me the insight I needed into Burt Hummel's character. Your suggestions are pure gold!**


	6. Chapter 6: The Lies I Never Told

**A/N: **This chapter returns to Dave's POV. Parts of this chapter have been borrowed directly from a conversation I had with a dear friend of mine who came out (for the very first time) to me our freshman year in college. We had only known each other a couple of months when he put all of his trust in me and told me his deepest secret. I cannot tell you how much it meant to me that it was me he chose to tell. Today he is with a wonderful man whom he has been with for many years and they are very happy. The thought that he might have tried to kill himself (he admitted to thinking about it) is unspeakable.

As always, I do not own any part of Glee.

**CHAPTER 6: The Lies I Never Told**

I thought I knew what it meant to be exhausted. I had no idea. How can I be this tired and not be able to sleep? There is so much knocking around in my head right now, it's hard to make sense of any of it. The biggest thing I am trying to wrap my mind around is dad's reaction to all of this. I thought he would hate me and be grossed out by me, maybe even throw me out of the house. Kurt's relationship with his dad was one of the things I envied most about him, believing that he had something I never could. It turns out my dad is every bit as awesome as Kurt's. How could I have been so wrong about him? Even knowing this, I don't know what to say to him. I feel so much shame, shame for being different, for hurting Kurt, and for lying. Knowing dad still loves me makes things easier I guess, but I still feel like being gay is horrible and wrong, and if I could take some kind of pill to make it go away I would.

I have heard that there are two kinds of lies: the things we say that are not true, and the things that are true which we don't say. By not being honest about who I am and how I feel, I have been living a lie. Without saying a word I became the biggest liar I know. I feel like a big fat lying freak. At the same time I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders now that my dad knows. Well, he doesn't know everything, not by a long shot, but he knows basically that I have really strong feelings for another guy. That's both great and scary as hell. I don't know if I can look my dad in the eye when he comes in to talk. He went for a drive, but I know he'll be back soon.

XXX

Oh crap, dad's home! I heard him come in and he's walking down the hall toward my room. My heart is pounding so hard I think it might pop right out of my chest. I want to tell him everything so bad, I hope I have the guts to do it.

XXX

After a couple of minutes dad knocks on my door. I tell him to come in, my voice cracking like it did when I was 13, only this time for a very different reason. I steel myself for the conversation we are about to have, but all he does is pop his head in and say he's ready to talk when I am and then he leaves. I can hear him making his way back to the living room, and there is a huge part of me that wants to follow him. My mom isn't home, and I'd really like to talk to just dad right now.

XXX

As I approach my dad I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding, and when he looks up I immediately turn my eyes to the floor. "I guess I'm as ready to talk as I can get at this point, Dad."

"I'm glad son, I really am." He stands up and gives me a big hug, just like the ones he gave me when I was little and really scared. I have never been this scared in my entire life, and I can tell he knows it. "I want to tell you everything dad, but it is so hard to say the words. It's just really humiliating and I don't want you to think I'm disgusting."

"David. I will never think that. I am here to listen and help, not judge."

"Okay. Is it alright if I just start from the beginning and tell you everything up to now?"

"Of course it's alright. Just take your time."

"Can I ask a favor first?"

"Anything at all David. What is it?"

"Well, could you maybe not say anything until I'm totally done? I'm scared that if you do I'll lose my nerve and I won't be able to finish."

"You have my word son. I won't say anything until I've heard everything you want to say."

"Thanks. Okay then." Damn this is awful! I can't look at his face while I tell him, so I pick up a magazine from the end table by the sofa and flip through it without really looking at it while I talk.

"I've always given Kurt and the other Glee kids a hard time, but when Kurt decided to come out and tell everyone he was gay it kind of shook me up. I already thought he was, but as long as he didn't say it I could pretend it wasn't true. If I could do that then I could keep telling myself that there wasn't anything different about me, either. Then he started being all 'out and proud' and, I don't know, I guess it felt like a betrayal. I kept how I felt hidden as long as I could, but I started to get so angry and confused that it got to be too much for me, so I started doing really hateful things to him so I could keep hiding."

"I've known there was something wrong with me for a long time, but I did a really good job of hiding it until Kurt came along. I kind of thought that maybe there was a part of me that was just a little bit like him, because I would find myself staring at him for no good reason. I tried telling myself it was because I thought he was a freak, but the truth is I thought he was really brave and really, um, cute (oh my gosh, I actually said that!) and I was kind of drawn to him in a way that felt really horrible but totally awesome at the same time. I knew I couldn't let anyone find out, so I started shoving him and calling him really ugly names. One day he decided he had enough and he chased after me."

"I went into the boy's locker room to get my stuff ready for football practice. There was no one else in there, so when Kurt came charging in after me I knew I was in trouble if he didn't get out quick. I tried insulting him, but he still kept coming. I threatened to pound him with my fist, but he still wouldn't back off. I accused him of trying to sneak a peek at me, and he said I was too chubby and sweaty for him and that I wasn't his type. I was really hurt by that, but I couldn't say so, and then I was screaming at him to leave me alone, but he just wouldn't! At that moment I thought I wanted to beat the crap out of him, but he got right in my face and I grabbed him and I… and I… I kissed him!"

I can't believe I am actually saying this to my dad! I feel so embarrassed, but at the same time I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's not as hard to tell him as I thought it would be, in fact this is the best I have felt in a really long time.

"He didn't want it. I get why, but I wasn't thinking very clearly and I tried to kiss him again and he shoved me away. I felt so bad I just pounded my fists against the lockers and ran. After that he brought some friend of his to school to try to talk to me, but I was terrified and shoved him and ran away. I was so scared Kurt was going to tell everyone what happened that I started ramping things up to keep him quiet. The next thing I know I am telling him that if he says anything to anyone I'll kill him. I'd never do it though, it was all talk. I could never really hurt him; even I didn't know how true that was until I saw the look on his face. It was after that when we were called into the principal's office. That's what the poem was about, me kissing Kurt and threatening him and hurting him so he wouldn't say anything."

I finally work up the nerve to glance up at my dad. He is sitting with a look on his face that is a little hard to read. He looks like he wants to say something, so I just nod my head and stay quiet.

"David! My goodness David! This is what you've been dealing with all by yourself? No wonder you were behaving so badly, that is an awful lot to be dealing with. I do have a question. Kurt could have, and should have, told someone all of this, and had a very good opportunity to do so, yet he chose not to. Not even his father. My question is why do you think he did that?"

"You know dad, I've been trying to figure that out myself. I guess maybe he knows how bad it could be if people find out about it, and even though he hates me for what I did to him he's still decent enough not to do that to me. I also think he was really embarrassed by it and didn't want anyone to know."

"I think you're right on both counts, son."

"Dad?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think gay people are perverted and wrong?"

"Well David, I think that they have a very difficult path to travel, and it seems a bit strange to me, but no, I don't think gay people are perverted, and it is not my place to judge whether they are right or wrong."

"Good. Dad?"

"What?"

"Dad, I'm gay."

"I know David, and it's going to be alright."

"I know. I just needed to say the words."

"I think I know what you might have done to yourself if you hadn't. I love you very much, and it would have killed me, too, if you had hurt yourself."

"I love you too dad. I'm sorry about everything I put you and mom through. Do you think I'll ever get to tell Kurt how sorry I am?"

"I don't know. I do know that you need to ask his forgiveness at some point, for you and for him, but it may be a long time, if ever, before he's able to give it to you. Still, that is no reason not to ask."

"I want to dad, I really do. How do I do that though, when I am not even allowed to know where he is?"

"Maybe you could try writing to him again, something a bit less frightening than your poem. Mail it to his house and I am sure he'll get it."

"That's a good idea. I think I will."


	7. Epilogue

**EPILOGUE**

If you had told me two months ago that my dad finding my poem to Kurt would be the event that would save my life I would have laughed in your face. I was so crippled by fear and self loathing that I thought I would rather be dead. Trust me, I knew how to make that happen, and it was really only a matter of time before I did. Ever heard of serendipity? I hadn't until recently, it means discovering something by accident that turns out to be a really good thing. My dad finding that poem was pure serendipity (I'd like to think Kurt would be impressed by me using this word, but I am pretty sure he still hates me. I haven't seen or talked to him, but how could he not?).

After I told my dad everything we went for a long drive and just talked and talked and talked. He told me that, no matter what, he will always love me and be proud of me. He said I'm brave for facing my fears and not letting them crush me. I have never been called brave before, by anyone, and it made me cry. I don't feel like such a sissy anymore if I cry, I figured out that sometimes the pain and the anger come out right along with the tears. That's way better than keeping it all in and maybe hurting yourself because of it. My dad cried some too, I have never seen him do that before, but it made me feel really happy and loved.

Dad also told me that it's okay if I am not ready to tell anyone else about me, that I need to be okay with it myself first. He said if I go through the rest of high school and am still not ready that it's totally okay because it's my decision and no one else's. I don't know how my dad knew exactly what I needed to hear, but he said all the right things. I asked him how he felt about everything, and he said it's hard for him, but not because he thinks I am wrong or gross or bad. He said it's just a big adjustment, something he's going to have to get used to, but in time he will. It blows my mind how having his support makes such a difference in how I feel about myself. We sat down together and told my mom, she cried because she knows my life won't be easy, but she loves me and wants me to be happy. My mom is beautiful and awesome!

I was always jealous of Kurt's relationship with his dad, the times he came to the school I could see how much he loved Kurt and accepted him. I never thought I could have that, but it turns out I was wrong. My dad and Kurt's dad are a lot alike that way. I bet they would have made awesome friends, if they'd met under different circumstances . Speaking of Kurt, I still miss him, but not in that horrible, angry, destructive way. Now I feel really bad about everything I did to him. None of it was his fault, and I would really like to be able to tell him that in person someday. I want him to know that I understand now how messed up I was (I still am at times, but my therapist says that's normal and to just give it time).

I am still seeing my therapist (I don't call her my "shrink" anymore; it was just another angry word I used to hide behind). We talk about a lot of things, since I am not so afraid of who I am anymore. She said I should keep writing things down if it helps me, so I do. I have a box full of unsent letters that I have written to people that I hurt. Some are to my parents; some are to the kids in Glee. I even wrote to a teacher I gave a particularly hard time. Some of the letters are just rants that came from a particularly brutal day when I was really beating myself up that I am not planning on sending, but some of them are very honest and sincere and I do plan on delivering them.

As far as the poem goes, I am relieved beyond belief that I never found the courage to send it to Kurt. I realize now that I could have just sent it to his house, but at the time I was so obsessed with trying to find out where he went that it never occurred to me. I still have the poem; I keep it as a reminder of the guy I was and never want to be again. If I had given it to Kurt it would have really scared him, it scares me. I was so totally freaked out by my feelings toward him, and it really shows how desperate and confused I was.

My feelings toward Kurt are a lot healthier now. I still see him as the boy who stood for everything I thought I could never allow myself to be, but without all the anger. He's never been a kid who hid himself behind a whole pile of lies to fool people into thinking he was someone he wasn't. I think maybe he tried it once, for like a day, but it was so wrong for him he gave it up quick. I admired him and hated him at the same time. Now I just admire him. I know I am not at that point where I feel like I can just show the world all about myself, but I am a much nicer guy than I was, and I am just trying to be a decent person. Sexuality doesn't define a person; the choices they make do that. I'd like to think that if I ever met up with Kurt again we could be friends, but I messed up any chance of that happening. I really need to ask his forgiveness, I hope someday I can.

I almost forgot a really interesting thing that happened the other day. I was with my dad at the grocery store and we ran into Kurt's dad. I thought he would be really upset by seeing us, but he was actually pretty cool about it. He nodded in my direction and asked my dad how he was doing. My dad said we were "getting there", though I am not at all sure what he meant by that. Mr. Hummel didn't say anything about Kurt, and I wasn't about to ask. He looked happy, though (he was there with his new wife, Finn's mom, who kept smiling at us, which was a little weird but kind of nice, too), so I figured Kurt must be doing okay. I wrote a really long letter to him explaining everything from just before he left up until now. I sent it to his house, I hope his dad will give it to him. I don't know when or if I'll ever get a response, I have to accept the fact that I likely won't. For now I am just going to work on becoming the man I want to be. It will take some time to figure out just who that is, but I know I'll get there someday.

**A/N:** I am choosing to close this part of the story here. It will continue in a sequel, but since that will involve Kurt I thought it would be best to write it separately, as this was about Dave and his POV and his relationship with his dad. Look for a new story in the near future. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read my little story, it really means a lot to me that you did. Reviews are lovely, if you feel like it.


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